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Standing on the Edge of a Cliff By Jennifer Mobbs
In my dream I was standing on the edge of a cliff, the air was heavy around me and I could feel the earth beneath my feet, loose rocky soil that could give way any second. There was only one thought running through my mind over and over, I was so sick and tired of being sick and tired. My body was giving up on me and I was beginning to agree. I had a thorn in my side, a disease that had ravaged my body for a long time. I knew I would go to Heaven so I wasn't scared standing there looking down into a bottomless space. I was longing for my life to end; I looked down at my feet inches from the edge of the cliff and that's when I heard it, a strange odd whisper, "Jump!" I did not move, I knew instantly who was speaking; again I heard Satan say, "Jump!" This was not a fight for my soul, but for my life. My soul belonged to God and Satan could never take that, but could he push me to just let go of living and give up. I turned around and stepped one foot away from the edge facing something I could not see. I shouted out "Tempt Not the Lord". I heard nothing back. So I shouted out even louder "I will not tempt the Lord my God, the Creator of everything including this body."
I realized that I wanted death, freedom from the pain in my body so much I had actually invited Satan to tempt me, to use the pain not for God's Glory, but for Satan's destruction, he was roaming to and fro seeking whom he may devour and saw an opportunity within my doubt. I had been praying, begging God to heal me, but I had not been studying the Word, breathing it in. I had been trying to satisfy everyone else being drawn in by others who would gladly sacrifice my health, my peace, and me for they own use. I kept the seriousness of my condition from those I thought needed me. I thought that hiding my illness made me look stronger, maybe in a way I didn't want to acknowledge I wanted them to need me it was a way to get their attention.
Like a foolish dog in old fairy tale I was looking at my own reflection in the water, I kept seeing other people that needed to be rescued, but God had clearly told me "No!" All that I had tried to do I was to give over to Him, these people were not my job to fix. Miracles can be accomplished through me, but what I was doing; I was not called to do. I can only do what God's Will is for me especially if I ever expect to accomplish anything beyond myself.
The dream was meant to show me how very close I had come to letting go. I knew I had a choice, I could hold on to my life and live in whatever capacity that God had for me, although it may not be what I want or hoped for, but it is still my time here on this earth. God will not have me suffer one more day than is necessary.
Each day and each part of the day is a gift, what I could not understand is that the gift is not always easy or carefree. Sometimes its hard and cold and painful, but in the pain when we unwrapped the layers we find we have no where else to go but directly to God.
If my life had been all wonderful and easy why would I feel any need for God, why would I ever seek Him out? My deepest love, the closest I have ever felt to God has been these years of struggle and pain. I have learned more about God and who I am in Him through illness than I learned the 40 plus years before I became ill. I know now that He never leaves me whether I have a good day or a bad one, he never takes back His Word and His Promises are absolutely new each day.
I was reading in the Book of Job and this passage struck me right through the heart it didn't matter that I had read the passage before, this time it took hold of me. I realized I could identify with someone in the Bible that God called a "Righteous Man." "Like a slave longing for the evening shadows, or a hired man waiting eagerly for his wages, so I have been allotted months of futility, and nights of misery have been assigned to me. When I lie down I think, "How long before I get up?" The night drags on, and I toss till dawn. My body is clothed with worms and scabs, my skin is broken and festering. My days are swifter than a weaver's shuttle, and they come to an end without hope. Remember, O God, that my life is but a breath; my eyes will never see happiness again." Job 7:2-7
Job understood pain, sickness, and loss. Job understood me. There is a time for everything and for everything I may have lost or missed God has replaced, whether I experience that now or when I am Home I must learned to be content and allow God to do what He will do. I know now beyond anything that God will not let me step off that cliff. His love is a High Tower that surrounds me day and night. So I will walk, I will run always toward the solid ground.
I have been writing all my life, I just didn't realize it until I was my late 40's. I hope my experiences can help other who have gone through similar trials.
"It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance". Jesus Christ
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"Render therefore to Caesar the things that are Caesar's and to God the things that are God's"